Back to school

I have to laugh.  I have just spent the last half hour trying to unlock our oven from its child SAFE mode.  I had accidentally locked it this morning when I cleaned a little more enthusiastically than usual, and wiped the display face with a flourish and hit, it seems, a clever combination of buttons that activated the Safe mode.  No problem - Google is my friend, and I simply typed it in to a search.  I have to assume the designers of these ovens either have sadistic streaks, or very clever children who have cracked all their previous attempts at safety locks.  I trawled the internet, even putting in the exact model (which comes in two versions it seems, both with different instructions.)  Any way , the long and short of it is, after I had stopped to drink a mug of tea, I finally managed to unlock it, and start reheating the leftovers which will be supper.

It was frustrating.  And I wouldn't tell even my best friend how long that took, and how many times I tried to guess the combinations of key presses before looking it up and how I had to laugh at my foolishness.

It came on top of a frustrating interaction with Walton's Stationers, suppliers of TD's stationery requirements for grade 11 (Grade 11 ! - how did that happen so fast!) We ordered and paid for the books last November, as requested, blissfully expecting to pick up the cardboard suitcase they are packed in at school last Tuesday.  Ah no, it was not to be.  They had received the payment, but not the list of items ordered.  No problem, mistakes happen, and I sent off a copy of the form to the email address supplied.  TD could fetch them the next day, and she would just delay the covering until the next afternoon.  No luck with that either.  I phoned, and was promised the parcel the next day.  It didn't arrive.  And so on.... I won't bore you with the daily dash of expectations.  Waltons promised today  1pm would be the real thing.  Sadly, the driver saw the school initial W, and decided to take it to the Waterfront instead.

I had to laugh. The person in charge offered to fetch it and deliver it herself, and because I was dashing about this afternoon, we decided to meet half way in a deserted parking area.  She apologised, and handed me not only the stationery box, but a little brown packet with the following label for me to give to TD:

"We're sorry for making you feel blue.  We're going to keep working on being sharper but, for now, here are some treats for you."

(The fact that they had a nifty little rhyming label shows that TD was certainly not the only person who had started the school year writing her notes on pieces of paper that will need to be rewritten into the books.)  The gift was a kind gesture - TD loves stationery, and a few gel pens or a rainbow eraser with the little brush on the other end that smells of bubblegum  (remember those?) would have delighted her.  But no, the treats inside were chocolates and a sucker. So it was an insulin heavy gift, which TD consumed on the way to orchestra rehearsal. She came home with a high glucose reading.

This year looks as though it may be as chaotic as last year.  TD has hit the first term running, and has very little down time this week.  On Friday, she and a large number of fellow musicians, go away on the school's  annual band camp.  This is one of the highlights of her year, and is much anticipated.  It was on this camp a couple of years ago that a discussion about Star Wars led to a friendship and romance with O, who feels like part of the family now.

I have started stocking up with some provisions to supplement camp food.  TD is confident and adept at the diabetes management.  She has many friends who know what to look out for in lows and highs.  All should be fine.

Should.

That shadow follows me everywhere. 

TD's Birthday Bash

TD turned 16 in the middle of March.  And how grown up she is! As we always do, we asked her to decide the theme for her party, and this year she chose (and which 16 year old wouldn't) PIRATES.  She felt she had missed out on this theme when she was 6, so 16 was a good time to catch up.

This presented a bit of a challenge. Sixteen year olds require a little more than the usual sweet treasure hunt in the back garden and cardboard swords and parrots and rainbow jelly.  All party planning starts with a good breakfast:  Andrew and I choose a cafe, take reams of paper and a couple of pencils and plot out possible party activities.  Ideas tend to start on the grand scale, and thoughts of building a garden size Pirate ship, of firing cannons with real gunpowder, and walking the plank all seemed like good ideas.

Google disagreed.  Apparently gun powder is dangerous and not recommended for home use.  Giant ships take a lot of wood and a long time to build. Walking the plank may not seem like fun to young pirates.  We needed a second breakfast.

Andrew building the ship late at night....

We raced up to party day, fitting in family commitments, hectic work schedules and all the party prep.  But by 6pm on Friday, all was set and the Jolly Roger flags were hoisted.  TD has delightful friends (and a large number of them.)  They all entered into the spirit of the Great Piratical Rumbustification (thanks Margaret Mahy for a fabulous children's book with that title) with great enthusiasm.  We did shoot cannon (tennis) balls at a 2D Pirate ship.  The cannons were spring loaded, so no novice pirates were harmed in the shooting of them.

The main activity for the evening was making treasure chests.  This required a fair amount of preparation and huge dollops of bravery on our part.  Twenty five teenagers wielding hammers, aiming at small nails, using superglue, grinding off sharp nail points proved to be a loud festive occasion - a true Birthday Bash.  The results were astounding.  The treasure chests looked great, but that is not what I am referring to.  The result was a group of 16 year olds co-operating with each other, chatting as they worked, engaged in the moment and being creative.  The astounding result was a celebration of TD with a symphony of hammering.

Andrew and I needed more hands on deck for this activity.  It takes really great friends to arrive on a Friday evening, who don't mind crouching on the dining room floor and a lot of noise. They helped the learner pirates with the basics of carpentry - like which way round a nail goes, and how to remove a wonky tack, with making sure everyone got the right pieces at the right time, and with serving the pudding and answering the queries when our hands are full.  Me Hearties Kathleen, Natalie and Paul ye be fine buccaneers - thank you!

The treasure chest I made may look empty at the moment, but really it is filled with happiness and unseen treasures of thankfulness that we could celebrate TDs 16th birthday.

And diabetes?  It was there, but just for the evening we told it to Walk the Plank.


PS I realise that some of you may be a bit disappointed that diabetes is not the main focus of all my posts.  There is a reason for that.  But if you are looking for more information and some excellent blogs, please have a look at https://blog.feedspot.com/diabetes_blogs/

The force for good

We have had a charming house guest these past few days - one of those people who simply fits in and scatters calmness and compassion.  He is vastly knowledgeable in a wide variety of fields and a born story-teller.  One of his work lines is acting.  A few years ago he played Alfred Nobel in a short piece on the Smithsonian channel.  He looks the part!

Alfred Nobel

Alfred Nobel started his world famous prize to recognise people who add to the collective goodness in the world – those who become a force for good. He did this because his death was greatly exaggerated; so much so that he got to read his own obituary on the front page of the newspaper, and the heading called him the “Merchant of Death.”  (his brother had died, but the papers had got the wrong information.)  He was so horrified that this perception of him would be his lasting legacy that he set about using his huge wealth to create good.

Nobel prize winners are all great and famous, and all have been chosen for their good work in creating a better world – through peace, science, medicine, literature.  Not everyone who helps create peace and a better world gets international recognition though.  Some people don’t even get a nod of encouragement, and I wonder if they even know how important they are,  because every act of kindness creates ripples of goodwill that are far reaching and essential to world cohesion.  Seemingly small acts can breathe life into a difficult day. 

The kind whatsapp messages checking up on us, the people who bring beautiful flowers, the people who listen and hear us, the people who phone and chat, everyone who reminds us that community is strength and peace is a group project – thank you.

I have always been over awed by the butterfly effect: The saying goes that when a butterfly flaps its wings in some part of the world, it influences the greater events on the opposite side of the world.  It is used as a metaphor that a small change in one state determines larger changes in other spheres.  Small acts of kindness influence the whole world.  Never underestimate the power of good.

If you would like to see the clip about Alfred Nobel (it's under four minutes in length and very interesting!) here is a link:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yz_c4j8NcDI   or type Smithsonian Institute Alfred Nobel into Google.

Maintenance

It is gutter cleaning time!  We have been promised rain next week , and I intend to be ready.  TD had been invited to a weekend away party - much excitement for her, and as usual, a little trepidation for me. We dropped her off at the brave parents' home and had the morning to ourselves.  What better way to spend it than cleaning the gutters!  I am not particularly comfortable up a ladder, but the view from up there is worth the angst.  I felt - um - elevated. And it cleared my head to think about things.  Firstly, sometimes we need to rise above some situations to take a better look at them. From the top of the ladder I could see which gutters were full of leaves and needed to be cleared and which were clean.  And taking a top down look at this weekend  party I could see that my anxiety at TD spending the night far away is just that - MY anxiety.  She is 15, and adulthood is just around the corner.  She is confident about managing her diabetes, and I need to allow her to enjoy her independence. (Although my angst is not unfounded, and I need to cut myself some slack too.)

The second thing I learnt up on my ladder that sometimes we do become overconfident and that can be dangerous too.  I thought that while I was up there I might as well cut off some overhanging branches.  They were just out of reach, so forgetting I was on a ladder, I leant across to grab the offending branch, and felt the ladder wobble sideways.  No harm done - I managed to regain my balance and steady the ladder, but I did realise I had reached too far.  I could have fallen off, and it would have hurt.  Similarly, diabetes needs constant vigilance.  It is not a disease that allows you to forget where you are or to over reach the limits of the support system.  Falling is dangerous and life threatening.  Even if no one is holding the ladder (us for TD's diabetes at the moment) it is important that she explores

her independence safely.

Thirdly, it was oddly satisfying cleaning those gutters and knowing we would be prepared for the winter rains (please please let it be a good wet winter to fill up the dams.)  Routine maintenance is important - whether it is looking after yourself, or making sure that you are ready to face whatever is coming next.  It is worth taking the time to clean the dirt away and start the season with debris free support systems.

Fourthly, I learnt that from above it is easier to see what other chores need to be done - wood work that needs revarnishing, a bench that needs fixing, a bush that needs trimming and a path needs sweeping.  It is good to get different perspectives of how things are doing and what needs to be done next.  It will be good to chat to TD about what we can do next to help her tweak her diabetes management to make life easier for her.

I am looking forward to hearing all about her adventures when she gets home this afternoon.  I am sure she will bubble in in a cloud of excitement and enthusiasm, as usual.   I just have a few hours left to tackle some more of the jobs I saw needed doing yesterday.   But first, it is time for tea.

TD's party

Young people often get a bad rap.  "Children now love luxury.  They have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love to chatter in place of exercise."  So said Socrates around 400BCE, proving that it is a long held view.  I am always a bit bemused by these judgements of young people, as the youth's behaviour is surely the result of the environment and social skills created by the very same people who are criticising  them.  But there you have it - young people are often seen as self absorbed and under enthusiastic.  So it was with some trepidation that I heard the news that TD had close to 30 teenagers on her party invitation list.  About half I knew, as they had been friends for years - and they are all lovely, confident, caring teens.  About half are newer friends, and as always, it is the unknown that is slightly more daunting. Would the group react well together?  Would they cooperate?  Would they behave like the youth of Socrates' ancient world??

Parties are a big deal in our household.  TD chose Theatre Sports as the theme this year, and we decided to hold it on the last day of term, so that everyone could be in a holiday mood. Theatre tickets had been sent out, the stage was set, the front of house festooned in stage curtains.  Roll on 6pm.

As an initial activity, we had decided to let the party people make wooden frames (teens love wood, nails and hammers...) stretch material over the frames ( they are equally obsessed with staple guns and tacks...), find or create their favourite pithy saying and write it on their posters, and finally decorate the wall art with feathers, beads, fabrics, stickers, or any other creative materials.  They loved it - there was so much hammering and enthusiasm that, out of the blue, we were in the midst of a massive thunder storm. (Not that we can take credit for causing the storm, but the hammering and the thunder were wonderfully in sync.)  We rushed the tables inside and continued the activity.  This is the result:

As you can see the youth of today are obsessed with caring for each other, making people smile, and creating a better world. I love it that this world includes Unicorns and Harry Potter and Gucci and Fun.  The youth have a lot to teach us about the power of enthusiasm.

We played Theatre Sports after this - guessing strange personae, using everyday objects as unusual props, using words to create surprising and amusing scenarios.  There was much laughter, an abundance of happiness and a general good will and cooperation.

It was a good evening.  If you are ever feeling that the world is going to rot, invite a group of teenagers around, ask them what is important to them, get them to play collaborative games, and I am sure you will agree with me, that they are very capable of ushering in a bright, enthusiastic future.

Theatre Sports was an excellent theme for a fifteen year old's birthday party.  Teenagers are very good at inventing and reinventing themselves, until they find a self they are comfortable with.  As a modern sage, Maya Angelou, wrote: "We need to remember that we are created creative and can invent new scenarios as frequently as they are needed."

Good advice to remember when we feel stuck, or too grown up.

Happy birthday TD!

TD had a good day yesterday.  She was beaming and bubbly and full of what I call TDness, or essence of TD!  It was her birthday, and her school friends had decorated her satchel with streamers and ribbons.  Some had hand drawn beautiful cards.  Others had written the kindest messages.  She felt celebrated and loved.

Her TDness rubs off on others too.  On occasions, complete strangers have stopped us in shopping centres, to comment on her happiness and joy.  Her grade 11 sports coach told her that she had “a big smile, lots of friends and diabetes” after her last training session yesterday.  (Her school has a collective sense of humour which helps make it the fine institution it is.)

She is now 15 – well ensconced in her teenage years.  She is a giddy mixture of old world wisdom, youthful optimism and age appropriate cynicism.  She does come unstuck at times.  Sometimes she is just too tired to give the world her TDness, and she needs time to gather her thoughts and rest. Like all of us.  She was so tired on Monday evening that, by mistake, she injected the wrong insulin at bedtime.  Luckily she noticed that she was injecting Apidra (quick acting insulin used to balance the carb ratio at meal times) instead of Lantus ( the basal injection which runs in the background with a slow steady stream of insulin).  This is the first mixup in three years, but it is a scary one.  If she had not noticed, and gone to sleep, she would have gone way too low and…. I don’t even want to think what may have happened.  It was easy to remedy in this case – a glass of sugary drink and a slice of wholewheat bread (quick and slow release carbs respectively) and a blood test every couple of hours or so, and all was well.

We celebrated her birthday at her choice of restaurant last evening, and wandered around the Waterfront, reminding ourselves how beautiful Cape Town is, and how lucky we are to live here.  As usual we missed our son and thought of him while we were celebrating.  He sent her the biggest bunch of beautiful flowers.(Pictured)

Time marches on.  Fifteen years ago TD was new to the family, a delightful bundle of gurgles and perfection.  Nothing much has changed – she is still that delightful - but bigger-

bundle of gurgles and perfection and I am so grateful to have the chance to mother both my children. I acknowledge them as the greatest life teachers anyone could hope for.

(I know "perfection" seems like a heavy label and responsibility.  I don't expect perfection from my children. It's not about what they do - rather about who they are.  They are perfect at being themselves.)

Happy birthday, TD.  Wishing you all the happiness you give to others reflected straight back at you. Put on those new sunglasses – that reflection will be quite dazzling.

Telling you how I am feeling

A few thoughts (not grand enough to be called Life Lessons!) I have learnt so far from Mothering Diabetes

1.                Never underestimate how well people can adapt to challenges  One minute TD couldn’t stand the sight of blood, and injections left her quaking in the corner.  The day after diagnosis, she learnt how to do all her own finger prick testing and to inject insulin into her stomach and legs several times a day.  We as parents learnt to cope with a range of fears and horrors that we would wish on no parent whatsoever.

2                  Going to  social occasions can be interesting.  People's reactions to TD"s pricking her finger and injecting insulin vary from the curious to the doubtful.  Kind friends have even offered to eat her chocolate, telling it was not good for her health.

3                   Give each other space to breathe and, at the same time, hold each one close. Trust is a way of life.  We need to be able to trust ourselves to be doing the best we can.  We trust TD to look after herself.  We trust the greater universe in TD’s safe keeping.

4                  You  will deal with challenges in a unique way.  Learn from others, but don't be scared to follow your own path. Everyone has different ways of dealing with difficult situations.  What works for one family dealing with a person with diabetes doesn’t necessarily work for another.  People react differently in crises, and that’s ok. 

5                Up until the teenage years, boundaries are more easily defined.  Children are often more compliant than teenagers, as is the usual path of life.  There's a fine line between independence for a teenager and responsible parenting. Independence is so important, but so is being safe. 

                 

6                Never sweat the small stuff.  Sometimes we need to look at the bigger picture and not worry about the occasional slip ups

7                  Going to sleep may become a challenge, but the quantity and quality of your sleep will determine how well you function in your waking hours.

8                 Let your body communicate with you, and listen!  Never underestimate the mind/ body connection.  We have the numbers to prove it. Stress, tiredness, excitement, apprehension all influence TD's glucose readings.

9                You can be spontaneous, as long as you plan it meticulously.  It's lovely just to get up and go, but remember to pack the insulin, the glucose meter, the emergency kit, extra carbs, a few needles and spare batteries....

 

10        Down  to earth is an excellent policy.  Being sensible with the diabetes management takes a lot of stress out of it all.  Be practical, avoid panics and stress, and the glucose graph will thank you.

So this is the part where I should tell how you how grateful I have been to have had the opportunity to learn these lessons through TD’s diabetes.  Absolutely not.  I am not and will never be grateful that TD has T1.  It is an appalling disease and I wish no-one had it. It didn’t happen “for a reason”  It isn’t "a gift”  It is not a “learning opportunity.” It is an illness.  Life lessons can be learnt in so many ways that don’t involve my daughter’s daily life and long term health. 

Sometimes the best life lesson is just to hang on to your sense of humour.   If you have read between the lines, and understand my quirkiness, please send me a smiley face!!

Dear parents of T1s

We are not alone.  We are surrounded by people who care and can help.  Sometimes it seems that all our energy is concentrated on keeping our T1s safe and on the glucose straight and narrow, worrying about numbers and diets and uncontrollable stresses.  We get so focused on that, that we forget to pay enough attention to our own worlds.  Speaking only for myself here, I know that is not healthy - for TD, my family or me.

Everyone is part of a community, whether we acknowledge this or not.  Sometimes it is easy and people surround us, enfold us and support us. Sometimes it requires some effort on our part and we have to seek out communities where we can be supported.  None of this comes easily to me. I am used to coping.  I like to be in control to a large degree.  I like to be calm.  Nothing about children coping with T1 allows for these things.

When TD was in intensive care in hospital at diagnosis, we (husband, son, myself) were on autopilot.  You know how it goes - you cope because you have to, you deal with things as they get thrown at you.  It is a hyperalert state.

Into this world walked  P and her 9 year old daughter. We had met once before when they had just moved to Cape Town and a group of moms and school kids were enjoying a sunny day at a park.  She is Godmother to one of TD's friends.  We had met  before her daughter had been diagnosed with T1 six months before TD's diagnosis.  And she had come to tell me that I would get through this, and her daughter was there to show TD that she would be ok and they were both there to tell us  we were not alone.  This was a huge gift.  In the weeks and months that followed P helped me through with kindness, her vast knowledge about diabetes, and with friendship.  I am so grateful.

Other support comes from complete strangers: people far away in online communities who offer support to anyone needing it. (A big shout out to the TuDiabetes community!)  Friends, family, counselors all form part of the safety net.  My friends - who check up on me, drink tea with me and listen to me probably aren't aware of the huge role they have played.  Don't be shy to ask for help - it doesn't mean you are not strong, it means you are human.

There is a wonderful saying in my country: "Umuntu Ngumuntu Ngabantu"  Roughly translated it means "A person is a person because of people."  We are all in this together. Community is our strength. To all the people who make up the jigsaw puzzle of my life - thank you.

The Power of Friends

Something magical happened when TD was first diagnosed.  Her school friends enfolded her and encircled her in protection and love.  It has been a privilege to watch this process.  Sometimes the encircling has been quite literal - if she needed privacy for testing or injecting, or if she needed support whilst having a low, they would form a protective group around her.  Sometimes the barrier was an emotional one of kindness between her and the harsh realities of diabetes.  Each individual brought something unique and powerful to the friendship - quirkiness (highly valued here!), love, humour, hugs, straight-talking, listening hearts, and a sense of normality.  Friendship can be powerful.

They are a funny group too.  Once, when TD was being questioned yet again why she carries a cooler bag around all the time (it's for her insulin), these 11 year old girls answered on TD's behalf that it was her make up bag, because she needed to touch up her look during the day.  This in a rather strict school environment where dress is uniform and make-up, obviously, forbidden.  Their humour is catching.  Now when we play "Who has the saddest story to earn the last brownie"  (like in the movie Notting Hill) TD usually wins with, "I am diabetic and single."  Well, yes, that is hard to beat, so with an insulin injection of 2 units, she gets the last brownie.

There is nothing funny about T1 diabetes.  Humour is a coping strategy which works well to sometimes lighten the prospect of a lifelong disease.  It can be a lonely business being diabetic.  I am so glad TD has so many good people in her life.