Betrayal

⏹ Not for sensitive readers.  I am banging this blog out on a Sunday morning because the words are tumbling inside me and curdling my sense of peace.  Betrayal is a strong word, but it sums up what I have been feeling the past few days.

Speedy attacked Tolstoy with an intent to kill.  (For any new readers to this blog, I am referring to two of the free range tortoises that allow us to live in the house in their garden.).  It was Friday morning, and TD was taking a study break (chemistry this time) and wandering around the garden.  I heard anguished cries which got more and more desperate sounding.  TD was standing with tiny Tolstoy in her hand, tears streaming down her cheek.  He looked limp, with his head lolling to one side.  She choked out what she had found - the older, larger tortoise, Speedy, had turned Tolstoy on his back, and was biting at his neck.  The strong beak had bitten the eye and mouth and both looked beyond healing.  The immediate action was clear.  I gently held Tolstoy, and TD put a very angry Speedy in a confined space.  She put him in her fenced off veggie patch.  

Poor little Tolstoy.  Poor TD.  Both needed a lot of calming, and soothing before we could even assess the damage.  The swollen face and offset jaw and damaged neck didn't give us much hope for his survival. But he pulled through.  The eye is still too swollen to see if he will have sight again, and the jaw seems to be healing.  We made a "nest"  home for him in a cardboard box, and brought him inside to watch over him. Over the weekend, TD upgraded his home to a larger wooden crate that she made, and put some homely plants and gravel in it.  This tortoise is going to need intensive  care for a while still.

Tolstoy in the ICU TD made

Initially all TD could feel towards Speedy was Anger with a capital A.  I think the feeling was mutual.  Speedy ripped up the herbs in her garden, and trampled the leeks.  Too angry to look at him, we left him there overnight and concentrated on helping Tolstoy.  On Saturday morning, I prepared a portion of the garden for Speedy to live in by himself.

TD and I agreed that this incident was raw nature.  We tend to personify things some times - Speedy was obeying some natural instinct to defend territory, or assert dominance. But it felt like a betrayal.  What if TD hadn't been there at the right moment?  What if Tolstoy never completely recovers?  The garden, which has recently brought us so much pleasure, went gray in a mist of the betrayal of nature.

I reacted strongly too.  I felt broken.  This beautiful creature was damaged by a phenomenon of nature under my watch.  I hadn't picked up any signs or been quick enough to avoid the damage.  I felt drained.  But as with all crises, one copes and deals with circumstances to stabilize the situation.  The recrimination comes later.  The what ifs.  The anger.  The acceptance that there is no fault to assign.  The "we can live with this" attitude, and Gratitude for life.  Diabetes feels like a betrayal.  One expects a body to function properly, and out of nowhere, suddenly it attacks.  Nature can be so cruel. But we learn to trust again, to accept, to be grateful.   Tolstoy survived.  TD survived.  We will be OK.

 

Speedy's new garden of isolation.

Learning to Idle

Many moons ago, before the TD era, I was involved with  teaching adults who had been denied an education because of the apartheid system, how to read.  It was immensely rewarding to meet these strong, determined people and share my love of reading and writing with them.  I might have taught them how to read, but they taught me so much more about life.   The slogan adopted by the forum I belonged to was "You're never too old to learn".  Learners ranged in age from 30- 85, each one inspired me with  their tenacity and determination.

It is never too late to learn, but as I age, I think it may become more difficult.  We may have to unlearn stuff first, or we may have to put aside the many distractions that "adulting" requires.  We may have to unsettle ourselves from a comfort zone, or gain some courage to find self confidence.

TD is hard at work as I write this, studying for her Grade 11 physics exam, paper 1, which she writes tomorrow.  She has tackled this work head on, and should be proud of her resilience and determination.  It has been a difficult academic year for most kids.

I like to think I am still open to learning, even if I haven't tackled big subjects - like learning Swedish or where to find the unmute button on a zoom chat(!).  Diabetes certainly provided (and keeps on giving...) our family with many learning opportunities. Some of it is obvious, like learning the basics of what the pancreas does, why insulin is needed to "unlock" the cell walls to allow glucose to be absorbed from the blood to the cells to give energy... Some of it is more subtle, like learning which are long acting, which are fast acting carbs, and some of it is learning how to read one's own body and how life and emotions affect us physiologically.

Although TD has had diabetes for 6 years now, we need to keep learning and adjusting so that she can live her best life.  I am learning to step back more into the shadows as TD leaps into adulthood. We will always be here for her, but she must have all the tools and confidence at her disposal to nag herself about checking her glucose level, and decide for herself if the extra treat is worth the toll it will take on her body.

 But enough about us.  Here is a new word for you to learn :  Aylyak.  There is a village in Bulgaria called Plovdiv that has adopted an aylvak life style, and has become famous for it. This was brought to my attention by Pam, a gentle house guest who stayed with us for a few days recently, and who shares my love of reading, writing, gardening and creativity.  She forwarded a BBC travel article she had read, and it fascinated me.

The word itself is not easily translated into English : happily idle seems to be the closest definition. We so often put a negative slant on being idle, but here it is venerated as a way to live your best life.  Slow down, don't get flustered, enjoy where you are, listen to the inner and outer worlds you inhabit.  Be happy.  It is, apparently, about finding time to just be, without expectation or judgement.  I so like that.

 

 

TD having a break from physics!

 

International travel is still a bit tricky, so going to Bulgaria might be a challenge.  But learning to live Aylvak style will work anywhere if we let it.  But we may have to unlearn many bad habits.  We may have to lose the cell phone, or at least not be ruled by it. Work may have to fit in into our schedule instead of the other way round.  We may have to accept who we are, warts, worry, diabetes and all.  We may have to relearn to listen to our thoughts more carefully, we may have to accept that sometimes doing nothing is a healthy activity in itself. 

Are you keen to journey with me to a virtual  Plovdiv? It's never too late to learn.....

Here is the link to the BBC article:  http://www.bbc.com/travel/story/20201104-europes-city-of-dawdlers-and-loafers